The Unnecessarily Racy
by Anaela loves who
Summary: Misunderstandings are always amusing; Lily thinks she sees James flirting with another girl, and decides to give him a lecture on proper Head Boy etiquette. And ends up eating her own words. LE JP ONESHOT Rated for innuendo and language


"A sickle for your thoughts?"

"Hmm?"

Shirley looked pointedly across the Gryffindor table, towards four raucously laughing boys and a very self-satisfied looking girl. "It seems there's something over there that's caught you attention," the girl replied mildly. And it was a gross understatement. For the past five minutes or so, Lily had been glaring mutinously in the direction of the boys and girl; the kidney pie that she was supposed to be eating had been stabbed repeatedly by her knife.

"Nothing has caught my attention."

The girl sitting with the boys, a pretty sort, with dark brown curling hair, threw her head back and laughed, pushing two of the boys by the names of Sirius Black and James Potter playfully on their shoulders.

Lily's eyes narrowed as the boy – a young man, really – named James laughed even harder and pushed his glasses up his nose eagerly.

Lily scowled.

"Oh, my mistake. Sorry. Yes, I suppose that I too regularly gnash my teeth and glare across the table at nothing in particular, seemingly in the direction of the boy that I _definitely do not_ _fancy_, while mutilating my dinner. All the time."

It didn't seem Lily had listened to anything Shirley had just said. "He's setting a bad example."

Shirley rolled her eyes. "What?"

"I said he's setting a bad example! Look at him! Carrying on with that _harpy_ (I don't even think she's wearing a _bra_), and he's practically _drooling _-what sort of message do you think he's sending out to the younger students?!"

"You're just jealous he isn't focussing all his attention on _you_ for a change."

Lily went beet red. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right."

"But you know what I'm going to do?"

"Rip off your clothes and dry hump Potter like you're so obviously aching to do?" Shirley muttered under her breath.

"I'm going to go over there and set him straight."

Shirley watched with exasperation which turned to amusement as Lily ripped her hair out of its ponytail and shook it out into a flaming mane framing her face; she then ducked under the table and procured from her bag a tub of mascara which she swiped her lashes with; and lastly, as an afterthought, she undid the top bottom of her shirt.

"How do I look?"

"You look like the bra-less harpy over there. Nice example you're setting."

Lily pointedly ignored this and, with a definite flush to her cheeks, sauntered over to where the Marauders and the girl were sitting and laughing.

"Oh, good evening James," Lily said brightly, squeezing both of James' shoulders from behind, and swinging her face around so that it was only inches away from his.

His eyes widened. "Hel…lo," he said, quite dazed, as if he had just been blasted with a large amount of sunshine.

Lily smiled brilliantly in reply. James blinked with his mouth slightly opened.

When James only continued to stare, Lily bent down in front him, hands on her knees, in a way that flashed him a reasonable portion of cleavage. "James don't say you've forgotten our meeting?"

"Buh?"

"Oh you know," Lily went on, squeezing her breasts together with her arms. His eyes popped. "Our special…_meeting_."

Sirius and Remus looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

James didn't need telling twice. He stood up so fast you could have sworn he'd been sitting on hot coals, and with an almost painfully delighted face, he followed Lily out of the Great Hall.

Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the girl sat in stunned silence.

"Redheads, eh?" Sirius remarked after a moment. Peter nodded emphatically in reply, and continued eating dinner. Sirius then proceeded to start kissing the girl, who happened to be his girlfriend.

However, Remus watched Lily sashay out of the Great Hall, with James practically skipping behind her. Bemused, he turned his gaze towards Shirley, one of Lily's friends, who appeared to be dying of some sort of giggle-attack.

He looked down into his plate and smiled to himself triumphantly.

---

"So," James said, with a large, ridiculous grin on his face, "Where are we going for our… _special meeting_?"

In his elation, he hadn't noticed that Lily's sashay had turned into a brusque march. Or that the mascara had been removed with a quick _scourgify_, and that the top button of her shirt had been re-buttoned. Instead, he looked around excitedly, wondering which broom closet Lily would choose.

"Here will do," she said crisply, sitting down on a nearby bench, as she tied up her hair in its ponytail. James noticed her changed appearance and his face fell, as if Christmas had been cancelled.

"Okay," he said glumly, and sat down next to her. "What do we need to discuss?"

Lily didn't beat around the bush. "We need to discuss public displays of flirtation and sexual activity within the school sphere, and what is and is not appropriate."

James blushed. "Er. Right," he said sheepishly.

Lily folded her hands before her in a very dignified fashion. "James, it is _not_ appropriate for the Head Boy to flirt so obviously, in plain sight of the whole school. I mean, I don't really care if anyone else does it but… you're Head Boy. You have to set an _example_. Know what I mean?"

'Yeah," James replied, a little embarrassed. "I know I shouldn't but… I can't help the way I feel, Lily." He smiled up at her guiltily.

Lily felt as if a part of her had died inside. _So he fancied that girl_.

"Ah," she replied, mouth dry. "All the same, you – you shouldn't have been – shouldn't have been acting that way…" her voice trailed off hollowly.

"Yeah, well," James conceded, not noticing Lily's distress, "Maybe not. But what am I supposed to do? Surely you know if you, of all people, flirt with me, I'm going to flirt back."

"Well, y – what? No, I meant that _girl_ you were sitting with – "

"Who, Jenny - "

Lily swelled up indignantly. "Oh, _Jenny_, is it? Well, pardon me!"

" – Sirius' girlfriend?"

Lily froze at this declaration; James was smiling at Lily in a way that made her feel very uncomfortable or very something-else.

"Lily," he said slowly, almost patronisingly, "Did you think I was having it on with Jenny?"

Lily twisted her hands in her lap. "Erm… possibly?"

After a moment, James burst into laughter. As Lily folded her arms and scowled with embarrassment, he shook his head, still smiling "Lily," he said again, but more slowly and softly, "How on earth can you think that I could even _look _at other witches, when – and forgive me for being clichéd – the girl plucked straight out of my dreams is sitting right here next to me?"

The part of Lily that had died suddenly catapulted back into life. "Oh," she said feebly, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. She cleared her throat awkwardly. "Well then. Meeting adjourned." She stood up to leave, but James grabbed her wrist and sat her down again.

"Oh-ho, no it isn't."

Lily rubbed her nose and looked determinedly at the ground. She glanced up at James, and he was still smiling in that knee-weakening way.

Oh, bollocks.

"Lily," he said, taking her hands in his, "if you had any feelings for me that, say, went beyond the platonic, I really think now would be a good time to let me know."

Lily opened her mouth but no sound came out. And she wanted to say something, she really did. But she could only focus on how warm James' hands were, compared to her clammy and shaky ones.

"You're blushing," James told her, now grinning in earnest.

Lily buried her face in her hands. "Yes! Yes, I fancy you, alright! And it was driving me _mad_ watching you philander on with that curly headed brunette _wench _– well, I thought you were – did you do that on purpose, to make me jealous?"

"No, it was entirely in your head." James replied. His grin was even broader now. In fact, every time his grin was turned up a notch, Lily's blush would darken a shade. They were directly proportional variables.

"Well, great. You probably think I'm insane now. Maybe I am, I just tried to _seduce_ you, then scold you for breaking some ridiculous rule that I had just made up, even though you weren't actually doing it. Do you think I'm insane?"

"A little bit -"

"You do! I don't think I've ever been so _embarrassed_ in my life, I just made a fool of myself in front of all your friends and that Jenny girl, I bet Dumbledore and all the teachers saw too, I even had my _boobs_ half out, I'm such a rottenHead Girl, and now I'm babbling, and James you'd better break the tension and use a rubbishy pick-up line or – or kiss me, or something because I'm about to combust – "

James chose the latter. She was glad he did.

"Well, never mind that now," he said, after quite a lovely minute. "We have important things to discuss."

Lily was frankly a little insulted, because it was the best snog she'd ever had. "James, you've fancied me for two years – "

"Four and a half."

"Really? Four and a half years, and you want to _discuss_ things?"

"Well, yes," he said evenly, straightening his tie in a very business-like manner, and eased himself out of her grip. "We're here to discuss matters concerning public displays of flirtation and sexual activity." The way James said 'sexual' made her shiver involuntarily. "That _is_ why we're here, isn't it?

"Oh, piss off, James!" Lily laughed, trying to kiss him again, but James fended her off.

"No, no, I think you had a valid point! It _is_ entirely unacceptable to flirt so obviously in plain sight – and the sexual activity displayed by _you_, my darling Head Girl, was unnecessarily racy. A lap dance during a first kiss is quite uncalled for."

"I think you're exaggerating just a little bit there James," Lily told him, rolling her eyes.

James acknowledged this with a grave nod. "That may be so, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it. And speaking of the unnecessarily racy," he continued, eyes fixed on her chest and smirking once more, "Your little display back in the Great Hall - I daresay you've kick-started all the first-year boys into puberty."

"You're charming," Lily sarcastically, albeit with a giggle.

"One must try," James replied, grinning his most charming grin back at her.

"Well, if public displays of affection are out," Lily remarked, after another lovely minute, which was cut short by the twittering of a passing group of students, "What about the private?"

James was very glad that he had scoped out all of the broom cupboards and empty classrooms in the vicinity earlier on.

---

I had such immense fun writing this! Although I'm not entirely sure what audience reactions will be. Usually when I write a fic, it takes me several months, but now I'm on holidays, it kind of just flows out…

Please tell me what you thought it was like, as I will consider it all very imperative and valuable feedback.

More importantly, it will make me feel happy inside : )


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